well, the past couple days have been good. i had been really worried about my meeting with my boss, but it turned out well. friday i went to dinner with bt ts and a new person, sammy. she seems really nice. i'll make sure to include her in some stuff we do. anyway, so on friday evening, i spent quite a bit of time with ts. after dinner, we drove back to school because bt had to finish up some stuff and he drove with sammy and i went with ts. then we decided to make a cake, so ts and i went shopping to get some stuff. the weird thing that ts told me (and everyone else) is that he had a dream about us hooking up. i don't know how i feel about that. it makes things weird, but we've been emailing back and forth and on friday, he kept talking to me. i dont know how i feel anymore, but i'm being positive about everything. :)

on the kp issue, i saw him on thursday at the game. i waved, he waved, but he doesn't look good. he looks really haggard. i'm worried, but it's not good for me to focus on him. i miss him a great deal, just as a friend, but he betrayed my trust and lost my respect and i'm not sure he will be able to gain it back. i know that i have to give him a chance to do it, but i'm not ready to give him that chance yet. i'm not sure i will ever be ready to.

Yesterday, I was a little over the top, but I was happy. Today, I am sad. I had a really horrible dream about my mom. I woke up thinking that she was still alive and then realized she wasn't. It was really weird. In my dream, I knew she was gone already, but I was sleeping. I can't even explain, but I am going to go into today thinking positively. Today is going to go well. :)

Back in Nashville. Full blown crush. Back to work and a certain member of the lab is in full blown bitchy mode. Oh well. Was a good day. Nomad is back, so my piano lessons resume again. YAY!! :)


How come I think of KP so much down here, but when I'm home, I hardly think of him at all?

So, I know this may sound lame, but I read little women over my vacation and came across this quote..."Better be happy old maids than unhappy wives, or unmaidenly girls, running about to find husbands" and it made me feel better. It seems women long, long ago felt the same way sometimes. That also kind of unnerves me because it means that we haven't come very far in over a hundred years. At some point in the next ten years, I would like to settle down and have a family, but honestly, I want to marry someone for love, not because I want a husband or because I'm lonely. I also am not to type to be pushy and forward (secretly, I can't stand those girls). I mean I don't have a problem with the girl asking the guy out or paying or anything like that, I have a problem with the desperate girls who would spread their legs just to not be alone or to get what they want. I have no respect for them. That's what I read when I read unmaidenly girls.

I'm nervous about going back to Nashville. Part of me really does hate it and it's because I can't really trust anyone down there. The one person I did trust destroyed that trust like no other and now I can't decide whether I even want him in my life. A huge part of me says no, but another huge part of me can't forget how he helped me when my mom passed away. When no one else was there, he was and that's hard to forget. I'm just so angry and so sad about the entire episode. Anyway, I have a few close friends, but there always seems a barrier and it's just not fun a lot of the time. Maybe it's me and I just have to relax and let go. Oh well, I don't have a choice.

Off for the last couple of hours of my freedom and vacation. Then it's back to the grind.

Well, I only have a couple of days left of my vacation, but I think it has done me good. I have a nice tan, haven't talked to KP and am actually smiling quite a bit. I was a little disheartened when a couple of my friends here were "too busy" to call, but I didn't expect very much from them. I'm actually looking forward to going back and hope that my plants are still alive.

I think I might do a little bit of shopping today and then wash tomorrow and back to good ol' Nashville on Tuesday. I think I need to be more positive. It's just so hard for me away from my dad and siblings. They have to love me no matter what and I don't have that down there. I get really lonely in Nashville and it's not that there aren't people around, but it's a different type of people. I always feel like there's a barrier between myself and my friends down there. Granted, I have gone through a lot.

I hope I can keep this writing up while I'm down there. I think it might do me some good. :)

I'm not talking to KP. I think it's best if I just let him go.

I don't know how I feel about TS, but he left me a voicemail that was, uh, weird, but nice to know that he was thinking about me even though I wasn't there. Or maybe he just forgot I was on vacation and called wanting to do something and remembered after he called and felt he needed to leave a message. I don't know.

I'm really annoyed at my brother. I love him, but he is such a leech. He needs to grow up and I know that I'm not supposed to be the person to tell him this, but dad isn't doing anything about it. He just tells him that he will at some point have to fend for himself, but it isn't helping my brother. He just continues to be a leech and continues to not have a job. His girlfriend calls every place for him, he won't even go get applications. He thinks that he will have a great job handed to him. He doesn't want to work at all. It's really sad.

I realize now what KP was talking about when he said that it is just too much to take. I understand now. I really didn't before. I'm taking a break from him, I'll call him when I'm ready to talk to him. I'm not sure when that will be.

I'm glad I came home for vacation. I feel much better since coming here. I miss my mom, but I can now look at her picture without crying and I'm much happier. I'm actually smiling again and it feels good. I think when I get back to Nashville, I'm going to start taking care of myself again. I don't like the weight I've gained and I don't like how I feel and all the stress that I hold in.

I missed my family, but now I know that they are okay, maybe I'll be okay too. :)

I'm on vacation. I guess I needed it. I know I needed it. I'm in limbo about my friendship with KP and whether I feel something more than friendship for TS. BE moved away and my boss told me that I might want to think about getting a masters.

The thing is that I came home for vacation. Part of me believed that my mom would be here. I knew she wouldn't be, but part of me hoped that she would. I guess I still haven't accepted it. I find out today that her illness was worse than I knew. I think that may be the reason why I am still angry. She didn't necessarily lie about what was going on, but she definitely withheld the truth and that hurts. I know that she was just trying to protect us, but if I had known she was that sick, I would've come home. She had spots on her lungs that she knew about, that she pretty much knew were cancer and she never said anything. All the times I complained to her and she never mentioned anything about it. I guess part of me knew something was up because she told me about her rings and that she wanted Bek to have her grandmother's garnet engagement ring. I guess I was just so consumed in myself that I didn't see. I mean, I know that hindsight is 20/20, but sometimes I wonder if we pay more attention we wouldn't have to worry about hindsight, that we would see what was really going on.

I'm worried about my dad. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and maybe the beginning stages of diabetes. He's not taking care of himself the way he should be, but I can't blame him. He misses mom, just like I do.

I suppose I should take better care of myself as well. I just get so down sometimes. I wish that I was okay, but I know that I'm not. It's just that too much has happened too quickly. I've thought about going on anti-depressants, but I don't think that would be the best course of action for me and who I am. I have an addictive personality. I'm tired of being scared all the time. I need to start living again. People sometimes get hurt, but it's all just passing. I can't stop living just because I hurt. Sometimes I wish I could, that I could stop time while I suffer, but I cannot do that.

Maybe someday I will be okay.

Starting Over

I am starting over, again. I guess I should start at the beginning.

I am 22. My mom passed away last November, 3 days before Thanksgiving. At the time, I had a wonderful man in my life who took care of me during my worst times. He decided it was too much for him and decided to start seeing his best friend. I'm not sure that they weren't seeing each other before he decided to tell me. I thought he was an amazing man, but he turned out to be an utter coward. I cut him out of my life yesterday. My boss told me I might want to think about getting my master's instead of my PhD and one of my best friends decided that it was time for him to leave.

But I'm okay. I'm going home for vacation on Saturday and I'm stoked. I'm starting to really like my research and I wish I had the version of the software I need to use that would work with my data on my laptop, but I dont. I just need a break. I need positive things to happen. I met a great guy, but I need to wait it out. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I will try to write again tomorrow, that is my goal.