I'm on vacation. I guess I needed it. I know I needed it. I'm in limbo about my friendship with KP and whether I feel something more than friendship for TS. BE moved away and my boss told me that I might want to think about getting a masters.

The thing is that I came home for vacation. Part of me believed that my mom would be here. I knew she wouldn't be, but part of me hoped that she would. I guess I still haven't accepted it. I find out today that her illness was worse than I knew. I think that may be the reason why I am still angry. She didn't necessarily lie about what was going on, but she definitely withheld the truth and that hurts. I know that she was just trying to protect us, but if I had known she was that sick, I would've come home. She had spots on her lungs that she knew about, that she pretty much knew were cancer and she never said anything. All the times I complained to her and she never mentioned anything about it. I guess part of me knew something was up because she told me about her rings and that she wanted Bek to have her grandmother's garnet engagement ring. I guess I was just so consumed in myself that I didn't see. I mean, I know that hindsight is 20/20, but sometimes I wonder if we pay more attention we wouldn't have to worry about hindsight, that we would see what was really going on.

I'm worried about my dad. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and maybe the beginning stages of diabetes. He's not taking care of himself the way he should be, but I can't blame him. He misses mom, just like I do.

I suppose I should take better care of myself as well. I just get so down sometimes. I wish that I was okay, but I know that I'm not. It's just that too much has happened too quickly. I've thought about going on anti-depressants, but I don't think that would be the best course of action for me and who I am. I have an addictive personality. I'm tired of being scared all the time. I need to start living again. People sometimes get hurt, but it's all just passing. I can't stop living just because I hurt. Sometimes I wish I could, that I could stop time while I suffer, but I cannot do that.

Maybe someday I will be okay.